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** Not for the faint hearted. Some content might offend, please be advised. **
Someone once asked, "How do you train for swamp swimming?". Here is what was suggested.
Swimming through a swamp is a very special area of
Adventure racing. It involves the entire team and a
little faith.
To train for this you must plan your day. First, seal
up all your orifices. Duct tape is recommended for
this.
Second, Apply some lube to your Fuw fuw area and any
other areas that could be exposed. You may not need
this right now but later on there may be a call.
Pick your team. Anyone taller then 6 ft cannot be on
your team. That means they get less wet then you and
that’s not fair. Gals with big boobs are not
recommended as they will float higher then you and
that’s not fair.
Watch a lot of National Geographic. If the naked Pigmy
women doesn’t turn you on then you might learn
something about swamps.
Pack some Chlorine. It is our natural duty to help
clean up all the waters we come across and Chlorine
will kill all the bacteria in the water before we
swim.
Join a swim team. Only swim with your life jacket on.
You may be slower then the rest of the team but you
are adventure race training.
Go shopping with your life jacket on. People might
laugh at you but you are adventure race training.
Try making love to your significant other with your
life jacket on. That is the sign of a true adventure
racer. If he/she doesn’t agree to it. Take off the life
jacket and pretend to drown. Who know’s, that might
be just as fun.
Take a bath in Jell-O. Makes you feel what if could
be like in the middle of the swamp. Who knows, maybe
someone will jump in with you and that make adventure
training worthwhile.
Cover yourself with mud in front of Peters new house. In
that case, cover yourself with mud infront, back or
side of Peters new house. I have enough for everyone.
Walk into a gay bar and yell that all homos should die.
Take off running through the nearest woods. Try and
get away from everyone. Great bush adventure training.
If you get caught, that is why we tapped all the holes
and added some lube. (forgot that didn’t you).
Final thing, practice what you preach. Send the team
out for a day of training. Make sure you send them to the
dirtiest swamp you know. (not Square one with a visa
card), you stay home in a hot tub and drink scotch
with ice. Ask them how they made out. Since you are
the experienced adventure racer and have done many
swamp crossings, only Rookies should practice.
Peter Judd
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